A lot has happened in a year. I managed to not up and move to a completely different city which is a pretty big accomplishment for me. I still feel restless sometimes but I don't think that will ever go away. Portland has been good to me and, I think, good for me. Went back to Arizona for a visit and kicked myself for not going earlier. Finally came to my senses and realized that the person I cared about was never going to reciprocate those feelings. It's been difficult not talking to him, feeling like I lost my best friend but it's also made me realize that I don't need him. Life didn't end because our relationship did. It's hard not to feel like I wasted the last year and a half but seeing as their's nothing to be done about it, I'm choosing to focus on the future.
My best bunny just got married in the most amazingly beautiful ceremony on a beach in Jamaica. It was so clear from the ceremony and the whole week leading up to it that she and her new husband are deeply, madly, passionnately in love with one another. It has to be one of the first times in my life I've believed in and witnessed true love. And I know that sounds ridiculously sappy and cliche but it's the truth. These are two people who have been through the ups and downs of a seven year relationship and come out the other side better people for it, a better couple for it. They got married surrounded by fifty of their closest friends and family and it was truly one of the best weeks of my life. I can only hope that when my day comes there will be as many amazing, caring, smart, witty, hilarous people there to support me.
It's also been a year of ups and downs with my dads health. He's currently recovering from an infection which resulted in him having his tailbone removed. I'm sure he's hating every minute of being stuck in a rehab facility but at least getting out of that place is good motivation for him to get better. I can't help but feel guilty that I'm not around more. My siblings shoulder the entire burden of taking him to doctors appointments, looking after my bedridden stepmother, taking care of the house and just generally being there for them. I know it's ridiculous to feel guilty and I know guilt isn't a good reason to move back to Seattle but sometimes I feel like it would be the responsible thing to do. I struggle constantly with it. It's also made me come to terms with the fact that my parents are not invincible. As much as I'd like to think they're going to live forever (yes mother, I do know you're not going to but it makes me feel better not to admit it) I know it's not realistic. It makes me want to fast forward my life to the good parts. Makes me realize that I want my dad to be there to walk me down the aisle. I want my kids to know how amazing their grandparents are. I want them to be old enough to remember how much Nana and Grandpa loved them. In the end, I guess I just want my parents to know that I'm happy and that they did good. I want them to be proud of me, I want them to know that even though I don't say it I know that I'm lucky to have had them.
**side note, I'm crying like a little girl right now. stupid period. makes me bat shit crazy emotional. maybe blogging today was a bad idea.
Alright. Pulled myself together. What was I saying?? Oh yeah. So what I think all this means is that I've officially become an adult. Scary right?? I think about the future a lot. I wonder where I'll be in ten years. There are two polar opposite pictures in my head and each day I seem to waiver between which of the two I want more. I'm trying my best to relinquish my need to have such control over everything and let it work itself out. I'll let you know how that goes.
